Not everyone is able to care for an elderly loved one at home. Maybe your home is a city condominium on the third floor of a walk-up building and your mom can't maneuver stairs. Maybe your home is a three-bedroom bungalow stuffed to the gills with your five kids and two dogs. Maybe your home is 2,000 miles away from your mom or dad and she or he refuses to relocate. Maybe you are caring for a seriously ill child or spouse and could not handle the added burden of caring for your aging mom. Maybe your dad needs more medical care than you can give.

Every person, every family, every situation, every state of health is different. By visiting your mom daily or a few times every week at her nursing home, you may be providing better care than if you tried to manage with her living with you. You can be a good son or daughter even if your mom or dad lives in a continuing care retirement community, an assisted living residence, or a nursing home. The choice between which of these three types of elder care facilities your parents enter has to do with their financial and physical state of health.

Continuing care retirement communities generally are for wealthier elderly people. In these communities residents, who are required to be healthy and able to live independently when they enter, pay a substantial entry fee and buy their residence, be it a studio apartment or a one- or two-bedroom apartment or villa. They also pay a monthly maintenance fee that covers services. Residents are independent when they enter, but as they become more and more dependent, they move on to other parts of the community where they can receive needed services for the same monthly maintenance fee. These communities also have a nursing home facility that residents who require constant medical attention can enter. A person who enters the community and lives many many years there, will find it a good value. A person who enters and dies soon after, will have spent a substantial amount of money for very little care.

Laws for assisted living residences vary state to state, but in general they cannot provide skilled nursing services and they are not medical facilities, so they are not covered by Medicaid or Medicare. One of the many positive aspects of ALRs is that it helps keep the elderly connected, via communal dining rooms and group activities, and safe via 24-hour supervision, and yet allows them their independence through the private apartments they live in.

Many elderly people fear entering a nursing home. But there are good nursing homes that deliver quality medical care and treat residents with respect and compassion. You will no doubt do a lot of leg-work in seeking out such facilities, should your parent be too physically or mentally incapacitated to live on his or her own or with you. It may take many visits to find a home that is appropriate and affordable for your mom or dad. Once your parent is living in a home, you can increase his or her quality of life exponentially by visiting often and encouraging others to do so too.

If your mom or dad is able to visit nursing homes or assisted living residencies with you while you're in the scouting stage, you'll be in better shape later on. When you give your parents a voice in the process, you give them a voice in their future, and that's good for everybody.