Parents of toddlers sometimes reflect, only half-jokingly, how much easier it is to love the wee ones when they're sound asleep. Truth is, we often feel a similar way about other adults, too. For instance, you feel proud of your spouse when he or she is all dressed up and taking the stage to accept an honor at work or school. Proud enough to forget how irritated you were that she left her towel in a wet heap on the bathroom floor that morning or that he forgot to buy milk so you have to eat your cereal dry. The point is, it's pretty easy to love our loved ones when they're sweetly dreaming or all cleaned up, shoes shined, and on their best behavior.

And the same goes when we're caring for our elderly loved ones. There will be moments, weeks, months, when your dad is a pure joy and pleasure to be with and you bask in the reflected wisdom and humor that longevity has settled on him. But with some parents, there may be many more moments, weeks, months when you're driven to distraction by their unreasonable behavior or demands. If your mom or dad has a generally cranky, irritable, or hypochondriac-like disposition, and you are the primary caregiver for him or her, your job is doubly difficult.

Your best defense is to pay extra attention to your own needs and to become more skillful at separating the wheat (your parent's legitimate complaint or concern) from the chaff (the specious complaint that has its roots in a need for reassurance).

If your parent is a hypochondriac, she probably has used this type of behavior to get attention all her life. Now that she has some of the real health concerns that often accompany aging, it's more difficult to call her bluff. But once a doctor has ruled out a parent's physical complaint as baseless as far as actual condition goes, you may be able to help your mom voice her real concern. And her real concern might not be that her leg aches. It might be that she's afraid to die and doesn't know how to talk about it. Try to do a little emotional detective work and give your hypochondriac parent an opportunity to tell the truth. It may also help to encourage your parent to talk to a therapist who specializes in issues that relate to aging.

If you're caring for a hypochondriac or a generally cranky and irritable elderly loved one, remember these things:

• Remind yourself not to take it personally—an "attack" on you probably has to do with your dad's fears and frustrations, not with your behavior.
• Don't reinforce her negative thinking.
• Ask her if she's worried about something other than what she's complaining about.
• Give her positive reinforcement when she does express her feelings appropriately.
• Give him lots of attention when he talks about things other than his aches and pains.
• Recognize your own limits—you can't force anybody to be happy.
• If you see you're becoming overinvolved in your dad's negative behavior and outlook, step back.
• Be open to the idea that you might need professional therapeutic help if you're dealing with a difficult parent.